Love

I Love You, Now Change

“Love” from the album 3121 (2006)

When it comes to romantic relations many things can go wrong. People frequently adopt interpersonal skills without much evaluation (Howell, 2012). For example many people try to win arguments instead of using the argument as an opportunity to understand more about the other person. When you stop to think about it, trying to win an argument is another way of forcing your point of view on someone else. Don't you enjoy it when people do that to you? Of course not but we consistently do that to our romantic partners. Another pitfall people fall into is trying to make their mate into the person they want them to be.

Stop giving me your wish list
Love is free from all this

We cannot fashion people into the person we want them to be. If you are in a healthy relationship with someone who is not abusive in anyway, who validates you, makes you feel safe and understood and strives to love you that is a great base for a relationship. Be happy if you have that because many people do not. We all have our wish list for what we want from our mate whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual (Howell, 2012). What we have to remember is that they have one too yet they chose to start a relationship with us (Howell, 2012). As we grow with our partner we will naturally change but we cannot try to force someone to be something they are not. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place instead of focusing on what you want them to be. Love truly is free from all this because love seeks to be one with someone else, not force someone to be “the one” you want.

Stop telling me what you want me to hear
Stop telling me what you want me to fear

A curious thing that happens when we try to make someone into a person they are not. We become a person we don't want to be. At best we become domineering at worse we become parental. When you have the view that you can mold someone to be what you want them to be you have dramatically changed the relationship dynamic (Howell, 2012). Parents are charged with the social responsibility of shaping another human being, romantic partners are not. We are to partner with our lovers and together become better people so that the couple can function in a healthy way. When we start dictating how another adult should think and act we become their parent. No one wants to date their parents.

From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks
Love is whatever, whatever you want it to be

Love is one of those words that is full of so many meanings so much so that it means so many different things to different people. Yet it really is whatever we want it to be. If we see love as something that must be earned then we will strive to be perfect and worthy of it. If we see love as something painful, then it will be painful to us. If we see it as a life affirming gift that is given between people than that's what it will be. If we are trying to change someone else it says more about us than the other person. If we feel that another person needs to change in order for us to be happy with them, we have something inside us that needs to be addressed (Howell, 2012). Or to put it another way, From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Whatever we speak communicates what is truly in our heart. Deal with what is lacking in you because when it comes down to it the only person you can change is you.

Reference

Howe, T. R. (2012). Marriages and families in the 21st century: A bioecological approach. Chichester, West Sussex: Wiley-Blackwell.